Guess Which Billboard Won Me Over? (Hint: I Just Cracked Open a Keystone Light)

The “It’s not MY child” tagline reminds me of my own life, in that my parents knew exactly what was going on, and that the phantom naughty child every parent refers to is, in fact, me.

Like Dexter, from the critically acclaimed series of the same name, my parents knew of my secret problem, and could only attempt to train me to turn my weakness into a tool for good.

Since then, I’ve been drinking beers for the benefit of the public, ensuring their safety with every smooth, malty mouthful I swallow.

At least, this is what I told the judge after I stole those traffic cones.

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